


i'm not okay, i love you

by heartbreakmichael



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Drabble, First Love, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Romantic Angst, Sad, Sappy, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:57:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4394534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartbreakmichael/pseuds/heartbreakmichael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You noticed that you'd started to sleep on your side, instead of your back, because needing his head pressed into your chest outweighed habit. You found out that nothing else mattered when he was there. Every single time you close your eyes you still see an image of him with his hand in your back pocket, and every single minute spent without him feels like hell. Being with Calum filled your life with passion and wonder and love, oh my God, so much love."</p><p>Or the one where Ashton gives a toast at the wedding of his first (and only) love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm not okay, i love you

Ashton swallows thickly as he stares into the mirror. He's almost unrecognizable - his hair is tamed and he's wearing a tux that's a little too big for him because he couldn't stomach the thought of going to the fitting. He pulls at the sleeves of his suit jacket. They're scratchy and uncomfortable and hang a few centimeters off his wrists, which is so unbelievably annoying that he tries to convince himself its reason enough to miss the wedding entirely. But he can't do that because he's Calum's best man and Calum is counting on him, wants him to be there. 

His phone rings, but he lets it go to voicemail. He can't talk to anyone right now - not when all that's swimming inside his brain is  _Calumcalumcalum._

Ashton thinks back to senior year of college. It feels like that was eons ago, but Ashton thinks maybe that has more to do with all that's changed in the two years since Calum took his hand and told him, "I just don't feel the same way I used to."

He decides to listen to the voicemail because he knows more than anyone that dwelling in your thoughts is toxic. He learned that the day he turned 23, when he was lying on the cool bathroom floor, wondering why he couldn't have kept the best thing that ever happened to him. 

He presses the message, a blank expression on his face as Calum's voice drifts into his ear. "Ash, where are you? The wedding starts in fifteen minutes! Please hurry, okay? I'm freaking out, and- and you're the only one who can calm me down when I get like this; you know that." Calum's breathing is uneven on the other line, and the selfishness in Ashton hopes for a second that he's getting cold feet, that he'll call this whole thing off and things will magically go back to the way that they were in college. But this is real life, and Ashton has never been good at getting what he wants, so he tucks the thought away into the section of his mind where all the wrong thoughts go and he definitely doesn't think about it again. (He tries not to). 

He gets in his car then, drives to the church with a sick feeling in his gut because  _it'snotrightit'snotrightit'snotright._ Not even the radio can stop the constant flow of thoughts in his head - they mesh together so that it almost sounds like static. He wants to stop thinking, he wants to have his mind blank for the rest of the day, he wants to forget Calum, but he can't. He's tried for so long, but he can't help it, can't help that sometimes memories play behind his eyes on a loop for hours and hours until he gets a migraine and crawls under covers, feeling utterly empty. 

The wedding is just about to start when he finally stumbles into the church. He watches Calum pace and pace and pace for a solid three minutes, whispers words to him that are meaningless because he doesn't  _really_ believe that Calum is making the right decision here.

Ashton stands stoically up at the alter, watches the man he loves walk down the aisle with someone who is not him. And when the preacher asks if anyone objects, he is silent. 

Calum looks so happy at the reception. He dances and he laughs and he looks like this might be the best day of his entire life. And it probably is and that makes Ashton want to both smile and cry because he  _loves_ Calum. But nonetheless, he knows he made the right decision, knows that he would be a million times more unhappy if he'd spoken up. Because upsetting Calum would make him feel like the worst person on earth. He could never hurt Calum, not when just _thinking_ of him anything less than perfectly content makes him feel like he's dying. 

Ashton is told to give the first speech. He tries to refuse, laughs it off and tells them he's got stage fright, but Calum knows better, pushes him onto the stage. 

His head is spinning, his hands are shaking so much he's afraid they'll never stop. He pulls the note cards with his toast on them out of his pocket. 

His breath stops in his throat. Calum gives him a reassuring smile. How can he smile when Ashton feels like he will collapse at any moment? 

"Okay, um," Ashton clears his throat, starting to read what he has written on the cards, "Calum and I have been friends since-" It doesn't feel right, it feels like he's talking about someone he barely knows. This is _Calum._ He drops the note cards. He's in shock for a couple seconds before his mind starts working in overtime. The static sorts itself out. "Let me start over." He laughs nervously, everyone in the room doing the same. He promised himself he wouldn't do this because it wasn't fair to anyone, but at this point, none of that matters. Ashton has spent his entire life worrying about other people's feelings, but it's time to think about his own now. He needs to do this, he has to. 

"I have known Calum since we were five years old. And in all the time I've been his friend, I've learned some things about who he is." Calum grins at Ashton. "Calum is the best friend a person can have. He is reliable and giving and he would do anything for you. But-" He looks straight at Calum. "That's nothing compared to who Calum is when he's in a relationship." There's no going back now, so he just pushes through and doesn't think about what will happen when he steps off this stage. "Danny, you don't know how lucky you are. At least, if you're anything like I was you don't. Because when I was with Calum, I thought it was forever; I didn't appreciate what we had. I know that you know what you two have is forever, so... what I'm trying to say is..." 

Calum's face is ivory and so is his new husband's. Ashton can see their lips moving. He knows they're probably whispering to each other about how terrible this is, trying to decide if they should let him finish or not. He doesn't stop. He's had these words in that section where all the wrong thoughts go for so long that they can't be held back anymore. 

"What I'm trying to say is, losing Calum made me miss the little things about being with him. The things you probably overlook are what I miss the most. You know, how it was your first date and you couldn't stop shaking your leg until he'd placed his hand there. And how after you guys kissed, he'd put his hand on your chest and tease you about how fast your heart was beating. How you fell hard and you fell fast, and suddenly the fate of your entire world hung on the edge of his lips during your late night phone conversations. How sometime between him spending the night at your house every once in awhile turned into him having his own drawer you noticed that you'd started to sleep on your side, instead of your back, because needing his head pressed into your chest outweighed habit. You found out that nothing else mattered when he was there. And every single time you close your eyes you still see an image of him with his hand in your back pocket, and every single minute spent without him feels like hell. Being with Calum filled your life with passion and wonder and love, oh my God, so much love." Ashton looks at the floor, the extent of how much he's messed up hitting him hard in the chest. "Sorry, I-"

He sets the microphone on the podium, running off the stage.

Calum doesn't follow him. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> u don't have to tell me that i am The Worst because i am well aware i aM SO SORRY


End file.
